I do not mean to bother you by writing a lot, but I really think it is important to give you some extra information in order to give you a more clear picture of how my thought process looks like.
1.- I can reach high level of paranoia where my imagination makes me experience unrealistic situations, I do perfectly know what my mind brings me to experience is not real, but this has an influence on my feelings and mood. I do think the fact something that comes from paranoia doesn't necessarily mean it is not true, however I do know how to make the difference between something unrealistic and something real. There is always a trigger behind my thoughts with its own logic. I can give you an example: last night I heard a crying puppy close to my window, the puppy was crying too bad, I thought there was somebody out there that was trying to get my attention by using a crying puppy and break into the house to kill me. I was imagining a psychopath dressed up as a clown who killed people in a happy way carrying red balloons and using a crying puppy as an excuse to get attention, I thought how I could have impressed the psychopath, so I decided to cover my body with an abstract sculpture to shock him and eventually provoking a frozen reaction, so that he wouldn't have been able to act as fast as he assumed he would have been able to and I would have had the time to react. Of course I knew this wasn't going to be the case, also before falling asleep I watched a lot of documentaries concerning American criminals and my imagination went rough. In real life what happened is that the neighbours got a puppy and put it in their balcony and it was its first night without its mum, so the puppy was terrified and this was the reason for which it was crying so bad.
I love criminal twisted minds, the more difficult is their mind the more I do feel attracted by them until I untangle their logic and I lose interest. This brings me to fall in love with desperate human cases to which I extremely feel connected with and want to fill their emotional holes by making love. Last year I bumped into a heroin addict from the UK by chance on a group on fb, we started calling each other and the chemistry of our brain clicked as a bomb in explosion full of passion. From a chemical point of view I think sugar addiction and heroin addiction are a perfect combination so this made sense to me and I understood why we fell so in love like two idiots. One day I didn't hear from him, he got locked up but I didn't know. I have been looking for him for 3 months, the police didn't want to give me any information, I found another way to reach him, I contacted them https://www.gov.uk/find-prisoner and they helped me out to reach him, in the meantime I thought that this boy must have been very bored in prison so I wrote him an illustrated story and at work I won as gift a Canada Goose rain coat jacket for male. I shipped the story and the jacket to him but the parcel went lost and I had a fight with Postnl for loosing my parcel. I got so upset and I thought it was very unfair. Once he came out of prison I went to see him for 4 days and it was pure attraction, but mentally this boy is gone, so my positive attitude towards his mental conditions shattered and I experienced disappointment and sorrow. My plan of restoring his mind and fill his emotional holes failed and I felt like I wasted my time and as solution I just saw death, I felt so upset. I would have loved if somebody gave me the attentions I was giving to this guy to recover his mind and cure his feeling of misery and lack of love. I really could understand how he felt.
I am going to attach you the pictures of the illustrated story I wrote for him and this is the narrative:
The high frog on a poisoned mushroom house:
It was a frog bored of life, one day it climbed on a mushroom house and started licking it, after a while the frog started hallucinating. Inside the house the frog saw popping eyes drawers that were behaving in a strange way, when somebody tried to put clothes in them they became teddy gummy bears Hariboo jumping everywhere and modifying the shape of the house. They weren't the only weird thing inside of the house, it was also a weird closet, it was a kale whose fiancé was a butterfly. A creature half kale and half butterfly came out, the belly of this strange creature had a stomach who was dealing acid. The other organs were fed up and put the stomach in jail. The stomach was very bored and start having sex with itself since it was hermaphrodite, a lot of little stomachs came out, they were all dealing acid, the belly of the creature was a mess, it was acid everywhere and the other organs had to take the boats to go shopping and buy groceries. They got all caught and locked up in prison, once they were in prison they realized that prison is just a state of mind at this point their brain exploded becoming a jellyfish flying brain in the sky.
I wrote this story to make him trip mentally and escape from jail without drugs, despite all the things I tried to save this guy from heroin, after I went to see him, he relapsed. We are still madly in love, but I have been upset for my failure and lately I have been aggressive towards him for let himself go without giving a value to all the effort I made for him. I have always been interested in heroin and how it works from a chemical point of view on people's mind, I tried heroin myself, I snorted 2 lines, but after analyzing it, I was disappointed on the effect and I haven't got hooked, I never did heroin again. I haven't got the pleasure everybody talks about, I just scratched myself for 6 hours and vomited, it was not very interesting. This emotional connection with this guy is ruining me, it is so strong, I can rationalize all of this, but the attraction I feel is stronger than anything else.
Neuroanatomy of my brain
Alteration to the level of hippocampus, amygdala and cerebellum loss of the Purkinje cells GABAergic neurons, inhibitory neurons that regulate complex and coordinated movements, preventing too abrupt movement. Alteration in other areas such as the cortex and the cingulate cortex, which elaborates the danger, the pain and the sense of inadequacy, a not correct functioning is the cause of OCD, alteration receptor 5-HT5A.
These are all the information I thought it was important to share and I hope it helps. If you want to know how I came out with these conclusions I can share with you my own analyzis and the way I elaborated all of this, neurochemistry is something I enjoy a lot, it's very funny for me to observe human brains, it excites me. I also do feel my mind in detail, I do feel it physically and also the logic of my neurochemistry, I feel like my brain cells step violently in my brain and it's so clear to me to know what's going on in my mind. I do guess human beings are able to feel their body when something is in pain, so I suppose my mind is suffering as hell, it is interesting to observe how the chemistry of my brain changes depending on what I eat. I love experiments, since I became raw vegan I feel my mind more sane, of course my mind will be altered compared to a standard mind for the rest of my life, I know this, but I think the environment, the food and the life style has a huge impact on our brain. I would love to have a more balanced life, but I really can not connect to anyone and it makes me suffer a lot. I would love to share part of my life with a human being who can follow the way I think and improve my knowledges, in real life I think this won't happen and it makes me feel very sad and upset because this is not how my life was meant to be